Tearing Down Walls

Today I was able to see myself in a different light than I normally look at myself with. I was gutting the Miltin Mary house. Gutting had been one of the aspects of this trip I'd look forward to most. For some reason I just knew that I would enjoy destroying walls with all the strength I could find, strength I was unaware I had, to reveal the bare bones that would serve as a base for a new home that would house so many future lives. I loved the idea of tearing down the old to make room for the new. As I ripped down intire sections of wall, more than just the beems that suported the house were exposed, I also found the strength and suport within myself. In that moment, standing in the narrow space that once was a closet sending board after board tumbling to the ground with just one tug of the hammer I realized that I have the strength to do nearly anything as long as I put my mind to it and truely care about what I am doing. I can completely gut four closests with minimal help if I am determined to finish them all independently and leave my mark on some one I wil never meet. In the same sense I realized I also possess the srength to over come one the largest obstacle in my life, being shy and all if the anxiety that comes with being shy. Lately I've been struggling with my own self doubt and trying to break out of my shell. Every time I try, I find my shy exterior getting in the way of the real me busting through the walls I've put up. Today hammer in hand I felt none of the usual helplessness that typically accompanies the idea of overcoming being shy. I felt truly impowered. I finally saw that I could reverse being shy as long as I put my all into and have the determination to finish what I started. I can tear off my shell as long as I just picture gutting and remember that feeling of power and strength as the nail covered boards fell to my feet and old drywall filled the sir. I just need to pick up a hamer and tear away all the walls I've put up over my many silent years in order to let my thoughts and ideas shine through.

My experience today brought me back to a week ago at our pre-trip team bonding. As one of our activities we were each given a board. On one side we put a goal of ours, on the other side all the things holding us back. My goal was to always feel free to speak my mind and my set backs were all the various aspects of myself I'm not too happy with. Then using our bare hands we broke through the board. The activity, and the feeling of bliss afterwards have remained in my mind. Today gutting brought my back to that moment, back to the idea that if I can break through a board that easily, I can overcome, I already have over come, so much more than I give myself credit for. Amongst all the ruble and dust today I saw in myself for the first time the strength and personal growth I have been told by my friends I now posses. I saw that I am in fact powerful enough to tear down walls, be they dry wall and wood or anxiety and reservation. I just need the will to do it and the drive to finish.
~Rachael Savage